*********************************************************************
*
* ANTFAQS
*
* Answers to Frequently Asked Questions about Ants
*
* Compiled by:
* Dave Rogers
* Official Myrmecologist to a.f.m-p
* and by Royal Appointment to the Dummy Princess Margaret
*
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All answers carefully checked against "The Hackenthorpe Book of Lies"
Please note that all references to actual persons are most probably
completely incorrect, and, frankly, the whole thing is just a waste
of bandwidth. However, if anyone has any other interesting ant facts,
please feel free to submit material for the next edition.
Please note also that if you seriously believe any views in this post
to reflect those of my employer you are not only barking mad but may
also have your mouth filled with cement.
All of this article is my own work except the bits I've ripped off.
One of these is the bit on ant sayings, which I ripped off from Erik
and Thomas M. Rothacker. Thanks Erik. Thanks Thomas.
WARNING: Some things in this FAQ may be true. But it's not very likely.
================
Document History
================
In 1432, in Glasgow, the first printing press was invented by Eric
"The Razor" MacFishery, using parts from a shopping trolley found in a
nearby canal (believed to be part of the Dunfermline-Galashiels section
of the London-Brighton canal, built by the famous blind canal engineer
with no sense of direction, Eugene of Dhreamiech (with the light brown
hair)). MacFishery named the initial output of the press after his
business rival, Unwin "Doc" Ment, whose concrete goloshes had been
personally fitted by him, and the name has stuck to this day.
=======================================================================
1. What does the lady on the scale say at the end of the witch scene in
the holy grail?
=======================================================================
Oh sh*t. SORRY! Start again.
==================
1. What is an ant?
==================
An ant is a small insect, typically up to 3mm in length, although some
species can reach lengths up to a metre. The smallest type is the common
or garden ant, with red ants slightly larger and more aggressive. There
is also the flying ant, which (surprisingly enough) is capable of
flight.
The termite is sometimes incorrectly known as the white ant; it is not,
however, an ant but a very small type of elephant. The largest ant
known to science is the Lithuanian Vampire Ant, commonly seen in Peru,
Micronesia and Romford.
=====================
2. How big is an ant?
=====================
Most types of ant are very small. Really, pathetically small. If your
friends ridicule you for being slight in stature, or just call you a
short-arsed git, remember that you are very large compared with the
common or garden ant. A further consolation is that ants' genitals are
roughly in proportion to the rest of their bodies. I know I find this
very reassuring.
==========================================
3. What are an ant's dietary requirements?
==========================================
Most ants live on general refuse and rotting food, although old copies
of "The Watchtower" can also be acceptable. The main exception to this
rule is the Upper Amazon fish-eating ant, which lives entirely on
tender sea frog and Spam. You may wish to vary your ant's diet from time
to time, but beware; heavily spiced food can cause hyperactivity in
ants, and it can be very hard work calming an enraged Catford Pugilist ant
that has just wolfed down a chicken Madras that was a bit heavy on the
coriander. Stick to plain, blander foods, remembering that the best way
to improve the flavour of any dish is to leave it in a warm room or
airing cupboard for several weeks.
===========================================
4. What are an ant's clothing requirements?
===========================================
Most ants are happy with sweatshirt, denims and trainers. However,
some of the more ostentatious ant owners dress their ants in designer
garments or rugged outdoor gear (walking boots, heavy pullovers etc.)
This is NOT NECESSARY and contravenes fire regulations in many areas.
=======================================
5. What world records are held by ants?
=======================================
The world land speed record was for some time shared by an ant which
fell down the back of Sir Malcolm Campbell's shirt shortly before his
famous run in the Bluebird. Ants also participated in the German
Luftwaffe's many world record flights in the late 1930's - the ability
of the Bengali Bomber Ant to obtain enhanced performance from obsolete
combat aircraft is described in "Bert Fegg's Nasty Book for Boys and
Girls", by Bert Fegg with no help from Michael Palin and Terry Jones.
For further information, see the book "Die Flugzeug, Die Antflieger"
by General-Leutnant Adolf Galland, head of the Luftwaffe's fighter arm
from 1941 until he fell from grace with Hitler in early 1945. Strangely
enough, his later book "The First and the Last", about the German fighter
arm in the Second World War, does not mention ants at all. Another book
about the German fighter arm in WWII is Heinz Knokke's "I Flew for the
Fuhrer", which also fails to mention ants. In general, the role of ants
in aerial warfare 1939-45 has been sadly neglected, except by A. J. P.
Taylor.
Some observers believe that an ant clung to Carl Lewis' right shoelace
during the historic 1991 World Athletics Championships 100m final, won
by Lewis in a new world record time of 9.86 seconds. However, the claim
has been disputed by the ant which got stuck in Ben Johnson's jockstrap
in the 1988 Olympics; as rightly pointed out by the late Ron Pickering,
this record is still valid because the ant passed its drug test.
==============================================
6. What great works of art have involved ants?
==============================================
In conventional art histories the ant has again been largely neglected.
In fact, several works of art by ants are known, but it has been difficult
to form any critical appreciation of them because they are too bloody
small. Representational ant art includes the works of Escher, Salvador
Dali and Reg Dimmock of 23, Hitler Crescent, Acton. Fictional literature
concerning ants is mainly confined to the science fiction field, and
includes Frederick Pohl's "Let the Ants try" (1949), Arthur C. Clarke's
"The Next Tenants" (1956, one of the famous "Tales from the White Hart"
series - technically, though, this deals with termites and so should be
covered in the alt.elephants FAQ), Howard Fast's "The Large Ant" (1960),
and Damon Knight's "City" series. Musical references to ants are of course
too numerous to mention, but remember that NOT ONE of the popular "beat
combo" Adam and the Ants was THE LEAST BIT myrmecoid.
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7. How can I get my own ants?
=============================
I've already got lots of ants, thank you. This question should read,
"How can you get your own ants?"
==================================
7a. How can you get your own ants?
==================================
As I said, I've got all the ants I need.
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7b. All right, smartarse, how can one get one's own ants?
=========================================================
Are you by any chance a member of the British royal family?
====================================================================
7c. If you don't tell me how to get hold of ants, I'll tie you to an
anthill and cover you with honey.
====================================================================
Passing over the fact that that wasn't a question, here is how to get
your own ants.
For common or garden ants, try looking in your garden. Or on a common.
Good commons to try are Wimbledon Common, Old Oak Common, and Dead
Common. Take a tupperware container with you, to keep the ants in, and
start by looking for some ants. Ants are very small (see above), so
you'll need to lie down and crawl along the ground to have any chance
of seeing any. To prevent passers-by from making a sudden noise (which
might startle the ants), you should carry a sign with you, reading,
"PLEASE DO NOT MAKE ANY SUDDEN NOISES, I AM LOOKING FOR ANTS." If you
mount three such signs in a triangular pattern on a suitable framework,
they will be visible from all directions.
Having found your ants, place a large dollop of honey in the tupperware
box and wait for some ants to enter. When you have enough, replace the
lid on the tupperware box TAKING CARE NOT TO SEVER YOUR LEFT THUMB WITH
A MEAT CLEAVER while doing so. Severing digits or limbs with a meat
cleaver can lead to pain, loss of blood and general shock symptoms, and
your screams will probably frighten away the ants.
For larger ants, your best bet is to try a specialist supplier. Try
"Just Ants" of Barking, Essex, or "Sid and Ron's Myrmecological
Emporium", Blackburn, Lancashire. Another option is to come round to
my place - ooh what a giveaway. No really, there are some Lithuanian
Vampire ants crawling up my window right now, trying to cut through
the glass with their enormous mandibles, their clusters of eye facets
fixing me with a hungry gleam, and all waving their little banners
covered in pictures of Sir Alec Douglas-Home.
=============================================================
8. Has anyone ever been killed and eaten by a very large ant?
=============================================================
As far as I am aware, this has never happened except for one incident
while I was compiling the first part of this "Doc" U. Ment. I was
sitting at my PC typing, with my wife Irene (a keen Rotarian) at my
side, when my attention was drawn to a strange rustling noise from the
children's bedroom. At first I paid no attention to it, taking it for
the sound of a fast-moving Thomas the Tank Engine toy express. Suddenly,
Irene screamed, and the ant was upon me! It threw me violently to the
ground, its mighty mandibles tearing great swathes of flesh from my
lower thighs and its back legs gouging chunks from the attractive
living room carpet (L12.95 per metre from Carpet Eugenics of Kew). I
fought to maintain purchase with my feet on the video cabinet (L8.00,
Habitat rejects sale) but the ant quickly obtained a good grip on the
genuine Victorian pine fireplace surround (a rare find, at L125 from a
local paint strippers' business; not the original, but very much in
keeping with the spirit of the house. The price quoted did not include
a parking fine incurred while collecting the piece; unfortunately, I
had failed to notice a convenient customers' car park and had instead
chanced my luck with a double yellow line, and of course that would be
the one day of the year that a traffic warden was seen in that part of
Ipswich!) and was able to drag me across the room, causing me in the
process to strike my head painfully against the side table (a legacy
from my great aunt, who had a number of pleasant items of a similar
Editor's note: We regret to inform you that this FAQ has been
infiltrated by a secret agent from the popular publication, "Furnishings
and Carpetings Weekly", a magazine catering not only for the up-to-the-
minute town dweller in his (or her) apartment or modern four-bedroom
house in a quiet close on a new housing estate, away from busy main roads
but convenient for local shops and other civic amenities, but also for
the lover of Victorian, Georgian, Edwardian and Arthurian houses in
pleasant country locations, surrounded by breathtaking views of the
Cotswold hills, Grampian mountains, Kentish hop-fields or herds of
wildebeeste majestically sweeping across the Serengeti plain as they
Other Editor's note: We are pleased to inform you that the Editor
responsible for the above piece has been shot. We believe him to have
been an agent provocateur for "Estate Agents' Monthly", a periodical
for estate agents, chartered surveyors, licensed conveyancers,
independent financial advisors, building society employees, insurance
brokers and myrmecologists. We will now return you to some interesting
facts about llamas. Sorry! Ants! That was it. Ants!
as the mandibles closed over my head. Irene screamed as I disappeared
into the stomach of the mighty ant, my skin already smarting from the
corrosive effect of its hellish digestive juices. Luckily, I had
remembered the presence of my trusty Swiss Army knife (or, as we call
them at the Needham Market Ant-Fanciers' Club, the "Myrmecologist's
Friend"). Frantically I slashed at the inside of the ant's cavernous
stomach, my arms soaked with gore as giant chunks of ant-flesh fell
about me. After what seemed like hours, but probably was, I was
rewarded with a faint glimmer of light through the ant's translucent
exoskeleton. Having reached this point, I reversed the knife, folding
away the antflesh cutter and extending the chitin saw. A few strokes
and I was free, leaving the ant twitching in its death throes and,
incidentally, tearing the living room curtains (L315.00 the pair from
Curtains-U-Like of Basingstoke). Then we had tea.
=====================================================================
9. Dave, have you cleared that bloody ant out of the living room yet?
=====================================================================
I am often asked this question. And always, strangely enough, by the
same person.
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10. How do I become a registered ant breeder?
=============================================
For registration as an ant breeder, you need to fill in the registration
"Doc" U. Ment from the International Ant Breeders Society. The
application form can be obtained by going to the society headquarters in
Ulan Bator. When you arrive at Ulan Bator international airport, hail a
taxi and ask the driver to go to Ant House (you may need an English-
Mongolian phrase book at this point). DO NOT get into the cab. Next,
pass down the cab rank to the FOURTH cab, and say to the driver, "My
hovercraft is full of eels" in Turkish or Serbo-Croat. He will give you
a map showing the route to Ant House, which you must destroy without
reading. A man on a motorcyclewill then arrive, and give you a pillion
ride to the Ulan Bator Tourism Office. Take a cab from there, back to
the Ulan Bator International Airport, and go to the Ant International
Airways desk, introducing yourself as Mr. Trench. They will hand you a
ticket to Los Angeles International Airport. Take this and board any
Aeroflot airliner available, which will then take you to Luton Airport
(U.K.) At Luton Airport, you will be met by a man with an inflatable
hamster, who will give you the application form and an airline ticket
back to Ulan Bator.
Alternatively, just phone 0473 689828 (U.K.) or +44 473 689828
(international) and ask for Lefty. He will mail you a copy of the form.
==========================================================
7. What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen flying ant?
==========================================================
Read the bloody FAQ!
Sorry, forgot myself for a moment there. This is the bloody FAQ.
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43. Are there any ant-English phrasebooks?
==========================================
Yes, there are some quite good ones. It is important to learn beforehand
the standard Ant notation. Words are written:
<<<||>>> (three left legs, two feelers, three right legs)
< Left leg down
\ Left leg extended forwards, or right leg backwards
/ Left leg extended backwards, or right leg forwards
- Left or right leg extended sideways
| Feeler up
. feeler retracted
The best introductory text is <\<.|/-> -\<..>\> <<<||>>>
(Let's Talk Ant), by the famous bandy-legged author >>>||<<<.
Here are some handy phrases:
<<<../>> (hello) <<\||/>> (welcome [to my]) /<-..>>\ (nest [house])
\<\..>>> (there is food) /<<..>>\ (behind me) <<\../>> (in front of me)
/-<|.>/> (Magritte) <<<..>>\ (is too firmly rooted) >>\ (in
reality), <<\> (I find).
/--||/-\ (Slippery here, isn't it!)
Note that >| >|, ;-) ;-) is not Ant, it is smiley face language for
nudge nudge, wink wink.
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44. What happened to questions 11 to 42?
========================================
The ants ate them.
==============================================================
11. Why does this newsgroup carry a FAQ that isn't about ants?
==============================================================
You'd have to ask Sir Darkwolf about that one. I cannot be held
responsible for the actions of others. That includes anything to do
with multiple homicides, dismemberment and illegally concealing bodies
from the enquiries of legitimately constituted authorities. It was
nothing to do with me, and I never EEEEUUURRRKKKK!
(cut to Gilliam animation)
Large foot descends from the sky, crushing Dave into a thin red paste.
Zoom back to show foot attached to baby carrying Short Lee-Enfield
rifle circa WWI. Baby starts running across no-man's land, followed by
others similarly armed. Backdrop shows very overstated shells hitting
ground, with shellbursts showing up as large rattles decorated with a
gaudy floral pattern. Babies approach a parapet and leap over it,
disappearing from view. Cut to a shot from the other side of parapet,
showing babies jumping up and down using a rubber model of a WWI tank
as a trampoline, while flinging rifles aside.
(cut to film)
One rifle lands next to an announcer's desk in a slate quarry, with
(of course) Cleese on the phone.
Cleese: (puts phone down) And now for something completely different.
Answers to frequently asked questions about ants.
======================================================
11. Are there any video games available based on ants?
======================================================
Yes! The following was found on alt.best.of.internet recently. Not
strictly Python related, but I had to include it (slightly edited).
Ant's Afire
You're enjoying a flavorful orange sucker when it slips from your hand
and lands in the dirt. Well if you can't have it, no one can...especially
ants! So you try to keep the ants from getting your sucker by burning
them with your trusty magnifying glass. Click your mouse button while
targeting an ant with the cursor. If you're successful, the ant will
burst into flames. Sick, I know, but this is far more humane than burning
real ants.
Each level gets more hectic as the ants dodge your solar beam and take
cover under bottle caps...that you can drag...exposing the voracious
critters to your relentless torture.
You get all this and more:
* Magnifying glass that follows the movements
of a custom, cross-hair cursor.
* Frantic ant behavior.
* Cool "burning ant" animation.
* Great sound effects.
* Score keeping/top-ten highest score tracking.
* Beat the clock and get extra points.
* Help screen includes all documentation.
* It's FREE! FREE! FREE!
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11. Are there any ant quotations or sayings?
============================================
Yes. Examples include:
"Stamping a dead ant"
"There's many an ant 'twixt bottom and pants"
"Two legs bad, six legs good" (from "Ant Farm")
"Don't get your feelers in a twist"
and of course, from Bob Dylan's famous tribute to Eric the Half-a-Bee,
"The ant's semi-friend is blowing in the wind"
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11. How many types of ant inhabit the Shetland isles?
=====================================================
Only one species, Myrmica Ruginodis, the most widespread species in the
British Isles, has colonised Shetland. In contrast, the closely related
Myrmica Speciodes is found only in Kent and Sussex, a popular
residential area for the upper middle class with good road and rail
links to London and continental Europe. In general, British ants tend
to prefer the southern Home Counties, suggesting (as many observers
suspect) that ants are predominantly Conservative voters. The fact that
ants are more numerous than humans may provide a key pointer to British
politics since myrmecoid life forms were first enfranchised (by a Labour
government) in 1978.
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11. What are the words to the Myrmecologists' Song?
===================================================
Immanuel Kant was a real pissed ant who was very rarely stable
Heidegger Heidegger was a right six-legger who could chew right through
your table
David Hume in an ant-filled room tried to milk an aphid
And Wittgenstein did it fifteen times with a flying ant called David
There's nothing Neitzche could't teach about the waving of the legs
Socrates himself laid fifty million eggs
John Stuart Mill of his own free will ate a poisoned sugar cube and
was particularly ill
Plato they say could stick it away, half a rotting tree stump every day
Aristotle Aristotle had a termite in a bottle, Hobbes was fond of his
ants
And Rene Descartes had an ant-like part concealed within his pants.
Yes Socrates himself is particularly missed
A lovely pair of feelers for a myrmecologist!
=======================================================================
The Ant-FAQ ends here. Watch out for "Ethel the Frog presents Amphibian
of the Month", coming soon to a newsgroup near you.
Produced by 20th Century Ant.
APRIL FOOL! :)